Those of you familiar with my blog know that every now and then I like to devote a day to humor. Today is one of those days. So here are some jokes, funny sayings, and what-have-you’s that I hope will brighten your day!
Let’s begin with some “punny” definitions. (Did I already hear a groan?)
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
The toothless termite walked into a tavern and asked, “Is the bar tender here?”
What washes up on tiny shores? Microwaves.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Okay, okay, I can hear your groans. So let’s move on to some philosophical thoughts:
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague… The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends… If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?… Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once… Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today… A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour… Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
And now for some Latin. Yes, Latin. I had four years of Latin in high school. That was many, many, many years ago. (One “many” equals 20 years!) Is there anyone else besides me who studied Latin? If so, here are some Latin Bumper Stickers you might enjoy: Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin… Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don’t call me, I’ll call you… Prescripto in manibus tabellariorium est. The check is in the mail… Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. Garbage in, garbage out… Da mihi sis cerevisiam dilutam. I’ll have a light beer… Die dulci fruere. Have a nice day!
Okay, we’ll go back to English. The old convent van was getting old so the Mother Superior called a car dealer and asked what a new van would cost. He said gently, “Are you sitting down, Sister?” She replied, “I’m kneeling, Mr. Smith.”
George wanted a pet but he also wanted a bargain. He asked the pet shop clerk, “Do any of your dogs go cheap?” The clerk replied, “Oh no. Our canaries go ‘cheep.’ Our dogs go ‘woof.'”
The family was talking about nose jobs. Their little girl looked confused and asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” Her father replied, “They have a place that makes them. It’s called the ‘olfactory.'”
Two women were looking at greeting cards. The one said to the other, “I’m looking for a card that says, ‘Your love is priceless’ for under $5.”
The elderly man was renewing his driver’s license. Because of his age, he had to take the driving part again. He came to a stop sign, looked left, and then went through the intercession. The instructor cried, “You didn’t look right!” The man replied, “That’s my wife’s side.”
Did you know that you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Is ignorance or apathy destroying this country? Answer: I don’t know and I don’t care!
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I said, “That’s the last thing I need!”
And finally: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Okay… did and of these make you smile?
What helps you to hang on to your sense of humor during these very serious times?
Do you have any joke, pun or funny story you’d like to share with us?
We are still in the Easter season. Hence, I chose an excerpt from Handel’s Messiah, the incredible “Hallelujah Chorus.” The audio is from College Church in Wheaton. The video was done by a group of families praising the Risen Lord this Easter–and having fun doing it!
I invite your comments below! Don’t be shy!